Outline [Standard] Linear+ A Man's Man, The Guide to Being a Manly Man

I had finished my usual morning repast of gravel and iron filings and was reaching over to a nearby fence to tear off a piece of barbed wire to use as dental floss when I realized something: I'm as manly as they come.

People often confuse being "a" man with being "the" man, but in reality the delineation couldn't be more clear. Being "the" man is a farce, a sham, a mockery of everything that is manhood. The fact that you have impressed your stoner friends by spooning wasabi paste into your ear may make you "the" man, but it certainly doesn't make you a man. It makes you a jackass, and significantly unworthy of talking to me.

You may wonder how exactly I became such a fierce and exacting paradigm of all that is manful. Let me assure you that manhood is not something you are born into, and can take a lifetime to fully realize. Having chest hair that is indistinguishable from steel wool and pectorals between which one might crush an infant's skull are pluses (and attributes I assure you I possess), but true manhood lies within.

If you too wish one day to walk abreast with the ranks of true men, then I think I may be able to help you. Allow me, if you will, to walk you through a typical day of mine, wherein I shall highlight each act whose purpose is to hone or otherwise maintain a crucial manlike attribute.

The morning begins at dawn, my one eye snapping open (as the other was already so) to greet the sun as it rises majestically over the distant hilltops. Already, if your morning experience differs from this in any way, you are a nancy boy and don't deserve your testicles. Real men always wake with the dawn, sleep with one eye open, and see hilltops in the distance. Hilltops are essential to manhood.

After waking, I leap energetically from my hammock and land with a reverberating thud on a hardwood floor. The thud is a personal touch of mine, and is strictly optional. The hammock, on the other hand, should not be compromised for any reason. Lumberjacks, woodsmen, and trappers all sleep in hammocks, and are all real men. I'll allow you the dignity of drawing the appropriate conclusion.

I've already described to you my breakfast habits, so I'll spare you the redundancy. After breakfast, however, it is time for washing up, and the details here should not be missed. Firstly, flossing is vital, but brushing is for babies. Only vocka should be used for mouthwash or, for true man's men, paint thinner. You may ask whether a person's breath could possibly be acceptable after such treatment, which bring to mind another important point. Many pretenders to the throne of manhood insist on wearing some kind of musk or cologne. Let me assure you that wearing either of these is more emasculating than a castration. Only ladies smell pleasant. Men should always smell like abrasive chemicals or, if possible, smoke. Generally, standing near or upon burning things is an excellent way of acquiring an adequately manly aroma.

As for bathing, let me insist that bathing is out of the question. As for showering, it is crucial that you equip yourself with a man-shower. That is to say, a shower of the following specifications. Firstly, the shower must have only two temperature settings: metal-liquifyingly hot or nitrogen-freezingly cold. Such temperature is crucial for building the two to four inch man-hide that should replace any skin on your person. Secondly, no gentle mountain trickle should flow from your shower head. Instead, be sure that your shower is pressurized well beyond what you are able to endure. To be sure your shower water bursts forth with adequate vigor, give your shower this test: tear a door from your car or truck, and hold said door beneath the shower. If the paint on the door peals or, better still, is ripped completely off, then your shower is sufficiently pressurized. Finally, no shampoo, conditioner, or bar soap should be present in your shower. Lye and Brillo are the only cleansing agents a man needs. Take heed.

Some final pointers follow. As a man, it is crucial that you kill at least three things daily using only a bow and arrow. They needn't be large things, but they must be animals.

Also, let me clear up the confusion regarding computers and men. Computers are fine, and can be extremely manly, if used properly. Computers, printers, mouses, keyboards, these are all acceptable. Any programs, however, are taboo, and should be avoided at all costs. Hardware is rough, burly, and rugged. Software is flimsy, feeble, and effeminate. Know the difference.

Finally, about the manliest hobby a man can adopt is fencing. I'm not talking about poking elongated toothpicks at men wearing giant condoms; I'm talking about building and erecting fences. Fencing things off is about as manly as it gets. I fence things off whenever I get the chance, whether they need it or not.

I hope these pointers are helpful, and can guide you on your quest for manhood. Remember, if at first you are unable to perform these activities, you needn't worry yourself. Not everyone can be like me. With time, however, you may yet reach a state approaching true manliness. Good luck, and Godspeed.

- Sam Tarakajian

This post has been edited by Amputatoes: Jan 4 2006, 09:31 PM

Pfft. I've done those things for years. And I use no faggy software on my computer. I constructed my internet browser out of wood, nails, some pinecones, and proceeded to jam it into the hard drive with my fist. Manly.

Very nice, Amputatoes.

that's awesome.

EDIT: You forgot to mention other manly people, like Chuck Norris.

This post has been edited by Quicksilver: Jan 5 2006, 03:06 AM

I have sex frequently and it's way better than this was. But it's nice, and very sexy make me horny too.

I put your manhood to the test, nice jokes wit hthe hammocks, but as a real Canadian Lumberjack, I must prove you wrong: real men sleep on their axes and possibly different kinds of logs they smashed during the day.

As for killing stuff, bows and arrows are for wussies: I kill things by crushing them between my fingers or snapping their neck with my asscheeks.

Carving your shopping list on a wall, car or human being is also useful so one of your 50 wives can buy (read steal) shit for you.

Other than that, your guide seems pretty accurate. Congratulations.

I tried not to search for spelling errors as I do most guides and such, but I couldn't help but wonder:

Only vocka should be used for mouthwash

Do you mean vodka, or is vocka something that I have yet to hear of?

Other than that, good job.

You have failed to mention the adequate size for genitalia. Which I assume is 8 & 1/2" Penis, and Balls 7 inches in diameter

I put your manhood to the test, nice jokes wit hthe hammocks, but as a real Canadian Lumberjack, I must prove you wrong: real men sleep on their axes and possibly different kinds of logs they smashed during the day.

As for killing stuff, bows and arrows are for wussies: I kill things by crushing them between my fingers or snapping their neck with my asscheeks.

Carving your shopping list on a wall, car or human being is also useful so one of your 50 wives can buy (read steal) shit for you.

Other than that, your guide seems pretty accurate. Congratulations.

REAL men don't even sleep. Where I come from the men spend thier evenings pumping iron and eating raw meat from the bone. Then during the day we constantly drink strong lagers whilst hacking down trees with our fists to make sport related things like giant baseball bats or models of godzilla. Then we talk about beer and tits and football until evening when we have building-smashing contests. The first to cause complete demolition wins a bag of nails for supper.

Real men don't write guides, real men DESTROY guides.

Does age affect one becoming a manly man?

I had finished my usual morning repast of gravel and iron filings and was reaching over to a nearby fence to tear off a piece of barbed wire to use as dental floss when I realized something: I'm as manly as they come.

People often confuse being "a" man with being "the" man, but in reality the delineation couldn't be more clear. Being "the" man is a farce, a sham, a mockery of everything that is manhood. The fact that you have impressed your stoner friends by spooning wasabi paste into your ear may make you "the" man, but it certainly doesn't make you a man. It makes you a jackass, and significantly unworthy of talking to me.

You may wonder how exactly I became such a fierce and exacting paradigm of all that is manful. Let me assure you that manhood is not something you are born into, and can take a lifetime to fully realize. Having chest hair that is indistinguishable from steel wool and pectorals between which one might crush an infant's skull are pluses (and attributes I assure you I possess), but true manhood lies within.

If you too wish one day to walk abreast with the ranks of true men, then I think I may be able to help you. Allow me, if you will, to walk you through a typical day of mine, wherein I shall highlight each act whose purpose is to hone or otherwise maintain a crucial manlike attribute.

The morning begins at dawn, my one eye snapping open (as the other was already so) to greet the sun as it rises majestically over the distant hilltops. Already, if your morning experience differs from this in any way, you are a nancy boy and don't deserve your testicles. Real men always wake with the dawn, sleep with one eye open, and see hilltops in the distance. Hilltops are essential to manhood.

After waking, I leap energetically from my hammock and land with a reverberating thud on a hardwood floor. The thud is a personal touch of mine, and is strictly optional. The hammock, on the other hand, should not be compromised for any reason. Lumberjacks, woodsmen, and trappers all sleep in hammocks, and are all real men. I'll allow you the dignity of drawing the appropriate conclusion.

I've already described to you my breakfast habits, so I'll spare you the redundancy. After breakfast, however, it is time for washing up, and the details here should not be missed. Firstly, flossing is vital, but brushing is for babies. Only vocka should be used for mouthwash or, for true man's men, paint thinner. You may ask whether a person's breath could possibly be acceptable after such treatment, which bring to mind another important point. Many pretenders to the throne of manhood insist on wearing some kind of musk or cologne. Let me assure you that wearing either of these is more emasculating than a castration. Only ladies smell pleasant. Men should always smell like abrasive chemicals or, if possible, smoke. Generally, standing near or upon burning things is an excellent way of acquiring an adequately manly aroma.

As for bathing, let me insist that bathing is out of the question. As for showering, it is crucial that you equip yourself with a man-shower. That is to say, a shower of the following specifications. Firstly, the shower must have only two temperature settings: metal-liquifyingly hot or nitrogen-freezingly cold. Such temperature is crucial for building the two to four inch man-hide that should replace any skin on your person. Secondly, no gentle mountain trickle should flow from your shower head. Instead, be sure that your shower is pressurized well beyond what you are able to endure. To be sure your shower water bursts forth with adequate vigor, give your shower this test: tear a door from your car or truck, and hold said door beneath the shower. If the paint on the door peals or, better still, is ripped completely off, then your shower is sufficiently pressurized. Finally, no shampoo, conditioner, or bar soap should be present in your shower. Lye and Brillo are the only cleansing agents a man needs. Take heed.

Some final pointers follow. As a man, it is crucial that you kill at least three things daily using only a bow and arrow. They needn't be large things, but they must be animals.

Also, let me clear up the confusion regarding computers and men. Computers are fine, and can be extremely manly, if used properly. Computers, printers, mouses, keyboards, these are all acceptable. Any programs, however, are taboo, and should be avoided at all costs. Hardware is rough, burly, and rugged. Software is flimsy, feeble, and effeminate. Know the difference.

Finally, about the manliest hobby a man can adopt is fencing. I'm not talking about poking elongated toothpicks at men wearing giant condoms; I'm talking about building and erecting fences. Fencing things off is about as manly as it gets. I fence things off whenever I get the chance, whether they need it or not.

I hope these pointers are helpful, and can guide you on your quest for manhood. Remember, if at first you are unable to perform these activities, you needn't worry yourself. Not everyone can be like me. With time, however, you may yet reach a state approaching true manliness. Good luck, and Godspeed.

- Sam Tarakajian

A REAL MAN HAS A PENIS AS LONG AS MY POST, (and my penis)








































































lol































































peniscockf**kshitdamnassbitchc**t























































wtf?






































































mate





























































simple plan sucks penisis













































































so does good charlotte



























































































you all smoke the pole


































































and i hate you.

go die. \










































































































































roflz

This post has been edited by Mr_POPadoPALous88: Jan 5 2006, 01:09 PM

^ Plx die right now, and swallow your computer whole.

Oh yeah, a real man would do all tha then go and post it on a forum

Is a man's man the bitch, then?

I happen to believe that Scottish peole are the manliest people ever. That is why I am proud to be part scottish.

I happen to believe that Scottish peole are the manliest people ever. That is why I am proud to be part scottish.

wearing kilts is obviously manly.

Real men walk around naked or in armors. Or naked in armors. Not naked in a skirt.

wearing kilts is obviously manly.

Real men walk around naked or in armors. Or naked in armors. Not naked in a skirt.

I'm buying a kilt the next time the Irish (but really Irish and Scottish) festival rolls around

wearing kilts is obviously manly.

Real men walk around naked or in armors. Or naked in armors. Not naked in a skirt.

Ah, but you don't know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt. This is what makes him so manly.

And highland games basically involve throwing really f**king heavy boulders/logs as far as possible in an effort to surprise all the pansy English tourists and get it over the safety fence to kill someone. It doesn't get any more manly than that.

a man's man.. aint that just unuthur name fer a queer?

Ah, but you don't know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt. This is what makes him so manly.

And highland games basically involve throwing really f**king heavy boulders/logs as far as possible in an effort to surprise all the pansy English tourists and get it over the safety fence to kill someone. It doesn't get any more manly than that.

He wears armor under his kilt? I would if I wore one. Being assraped f**king sucks.

CABER f**kING TOSSS!!!!

I made this guide so you too can have the basics of manliness. Please don't flame too much. I did take some ideas from this thread, however that's because the same rules apply to alot of things. Feel free to comment and tell me to add things.


Make Your Life More Manly

Do you look at yourself in the mirror, rub your chin layered in peach fuzz, and flex your man boobs thinking you have pecks? Well, you don’t. And you should probably shave until you get a real beard, or someone’s going to kick your face in. And chances are that you aren’t manly, either. You see, chicks just won’t sex you if you ain’t got the man in manly.

In today’s vast world of school, pornography, and internets, it is becoming harder and harder to survive without the skills that come with being a man. Without the ability to squish people’s skulls in your huge biceps, or smash their faces with your combat boots, you might as well just die. Because nobody likes you. In this interactive guide, actually not interactive guide, I, Dr. Cool, will teach you how to enlarge and exercise your manly levels. If your manliness doesn’t increase threefold by the end of this lecture, then you suck.

What is Manliness?

Manliness is the force that compels men. Manliness makes women show their boobs to people. Some people argue that manliness solely depends on how huge your penis is, which is mostly true. In fact, it’s all true except the fact that you also need to mercilessly slaughter people just because you feel like it, possibly by kicking their face in with spiked combat boots. With big steel skulls on them.

Combat boots. You should also have a tailor put some big steel skulls on them, or at least spikes on the bottoms.

Manliness can be measured by a scale that I’ve created after years and years of long hours spent in complete study. The scale is as shows:

As you can see, when your man size is from 1-3 inches, you have the manliness of a fat kid. When you are from 3-6 inches, you are like some Asian guy, who only plays video games and worries about painting his nails. From 6-9 inches, you are like a white player; almost there except you can’t make it until you turn into a black man. Or a cave man. And finally, when you have that of 9-12 inches, you are about as manly as a black pimp, and all you have to do is unzip your pants and teh ladies are all up ons (say that for extra points). But not all is lost if your manhood is too small! You can always kill people if you need a little manly boost.

History of Manliness

Manliness has a vast history. It all started when cavemen existed, who were composed of 100% manly. They had beards, which they had since birth, and they smashed people’s faces with huge sticks whenever they felt like it. They also hunted dinosaurs and ate them raw and used the bones to throw at people. They also slept on beds composed of their collection of human skulls. And razor blades. If ever you need a quick fix to your non-manly levels exceeding your manly, just imitate the behaviors of cavemen. Anyways, as time traveled on, men became more and more manly, up until the renaissance era. Before the renaissance era, after the cavemen era, people had huge-ass swords and cut people with them. They also wore pimp brooms on their heads, which they took off and gave to the women after a battle so the women could sweep the floors. People also had arrows, which they would light on fire and stab people with. But the stabbed people were so manly they would just run through villages while on fire and light as many other people on fire as they could before they cut their own heads off with their huge swords. But after this era, time went through a period of softening. Women began fighting for rights, and world peace started becoming an issue.

In the recent times, for some stupid reason people think it’s alright to be gay or metro sexual. They have a place for those people. It’s called San Francisco. Major cause of this rise in queers is unknown, which is why you should throw flaming axes or cut them with flaming swords. BUT, despite the how it seems as if manly would be completely wiped out by this situation; there still existed men of manliness in this world. Pimps, lumberjacks, and zombie hunters all are true men. Pimps slap around ‘dose hoes like no tomorrow, which automatically gives you manly points. Lumberjacks cut down huge trees and sleep on beds of their axes and pieces of wood. And zombie hunters kill people for no reason, and also carry around machetes and guns, which is a bonus. Look to these people for assistance in bringing out your true manly.

How Can I Improve My Inner Man?

Now that you are well along your way to becoming the manliest of the men, I have decided to share with you some of the top ways to increase your manliness with a fast paced quality. Please remember that these are illegal in Michigan and Iowa, so if you get arrested, drop kick the policemen in the faces then run away:

1. Always kill someone when you get the chance. If someone slaps you, pick up a rock then pound their face in. If someone punches you, use a nail gun to pin their feet to the floor, then make a necklace out of their teeth you punched out of their mouth.
2. Call a girl a “bitch,” “ho,” or “wench” if opportune. Every sentence you speak to their kind should be ended with one of these words. If slapped, remember step 1. But most of the time, everyone will be impressed by your manliness and sex you immediately.
3. Remember to use “man-giene.” Unlike hygiene, brush your teeth with sandpaper and floss with barbed wire. Wash your face constantly with drain cleaner; it burns off all the pussy. If you need your beauty sleep, you’re gay for using that term. Instead, call it “Manly sleep.” Sleep on a bed of all the skulls from people you’ve killed and along with razor blades; you can sleep on hot coals, too. After you complete your daily man-giene rituals, you can be guaranteed to get laid instantaneously.
4. Remember to turn every question or statement said into an insult against someone or a complement on the size of your dick. If someone asks “What time is it?” you must respond, “time for you to suck my 14 inch penis.” If someone goes “I am so tired,” you must add to their statement, “so tired of having a smaller penis that I do.” Remember, no matter how much you lie, women will believe anything you say. And kill any men who don’t believe you. By ripping out their heart and showing it to them while it’s still beating.

Remember these four things, and with no time to spare you will either inherit a million dollars or get hot hot sex from a celebrity.

Manly-ness Training

Well, it comes to the time you learn to not depend on luck. Say you do not kill someone the first time you punch them in the face. What then? What if you have this huge black guy all in your face and you know his manhood is bigger than yours? This is where you require hardcore training. This section will teach you how to kick ass when engaging in a fight.

Remember to always use your surroundings. Look everywhere and possibly mark in a notebook the possible advantages and disadvantages of every scenery on the earth. Here are some suggestions as to how to use your surroundings for advantages:

1. Rocks. Have ‘em? Then use ‘em, whether it be to knock someone’s face in or add weight to your punches. If you’re standing on some weird-ass big rock, push your opponents off, preferably into molten lava pits. Or throw them at your enemies’ eyes to blind them.
2. Sticks also provide good weapons. Cavemen used them to kill dinosaurs and other cavemen. Women use them to sweep floors. But because you’re looking to fight, use sticks to beat the crap out of your enemies. Hit them in the face for a good laugh, or the shins to piss them off so you can have them charge at you like a bull. When they charge, jump out of the way at the last second and they will smash into a wall or fall into a pit of spikes or lava.
3. Gangs come in handy if you are a race other than white. If you are black, you automatically can kick ass, but you may need some assistance fighting other black people. If you’re white, then you can just not read the rest of #3. Anyways, in order to summon your very own gang of fellow race members, simply place your fingers under your tongue and whistle. You will be surprised by the amount of Africans or Mexicans hiding in the scenery. They hide under rocks, in bushes, on trees, lamp posts, or storm drains. Gangs come in advantage, so use them frequently.
4. Lastly make note of mine fields. If you decide to fight near a mine field, simple push your opponent onto a mine, and laugh at him. If he is too big to push, consider getting him to charge (step 2). Also, you can use reverse psychology. Simply shout at your enemies: “Definitely don’t stand on that mine field, whatever you do,” and watch them get the shit blown out of themselves.

Another great tactic for fighting is to bring a grenade wherever you go. If someone gives you shit, whip out your grenade and watch them back off. For good fun pull the pin out and duct tape the grenade to their hand. If you can’t get a grenade, consider buying the Bat Mobile. It comes equipped with missiles and guns, and can even fly at low heights and cut the heads off your enemies. Always remember that when you fight, always make sure that kicks in the nuts are off-limits. Only gay people and women kick nuts. Once clarified, punch them in the face before they see anything coming. They will probably stop fighting then just because you are so manly. If not, kick their face in with combat boots.

Now you too can kick some ass; THE MANLY WAY!!!

Summary

So now you think you’re prepared to be the most manly person you know? You probably are, besides me. So to sum it up, just remember these three things and you’re set:

1. Always tell stories and comment on how big your manhood is. You can’t say your dick is 14 inches too many times.
2. When fighting, always make the first move, while first clarifying no nut kicking. Kicks to the face with combat boots do fine. Swords also help.
3. Use your man-giene on a daily basis, and end all sentences with “bitch,” “ho,” or “wench.” Girls take off their shirts over these words.

So now that you’re prepared for the estrogen-infected society of today, you too can be as awesome and manly as the I am. Good luck, and remember: Barbaric = naked women = manliness. Farewell.

I had finished my usual morning repast of gravel and iron filings

Will raw eggs and nails work? That's what I usually use.

Oh, and I use Drano and Windex mixed for mouthwash.
Sorry for not being manly enough.

Um..........
No.

Um..........
No.

shut-up bitch...

(if your guide is true, i will now get laid)

(if your guide is true, i will now get laid)

you are obviously fake.

This post has been edited by MononcQc: Jan 13 2006, 07:57 PM

you are obviously fake. 

if you are talking about my large penis... then no!
but if you are talking about my american accent... then yes!

This guide could be shortened to one rule.

1.Act like Ron Turgon.

^^What's awesome is that only a select few people will understand that.

if you are talking about my large penis... then no!
but if you are talking about my american accent... then yes!

I was talking about you not being laid but the guide still being true, sir.
As in you're not a real man, or something.

This post has been edited by MononcQc: Jan 19 2006, 09:32 PM